


Paranormal

by SoDoRoses (FairyChess)



Series: LAOFT Extras [69]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Title: Andy and Tee and the 'Logan Is A Cryptid' Agenda, M/M, Multi, Other, friends roasting friends out of love, maybe? talking about your friends behind their back?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-26
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2020-10-28 19:51:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20784173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FairyChess/pseuds/SoDoRoses
Summary: Andy and Teagan meet their cryptid friend’s even-more-cryptid significant others(Plus one other cryptid)





	Paranormal

**Author's Note:**

> for these prompts:
> 
> Oh my GOD, for LAOFT, can we see the husband squad meet Andy and Teagan for the first time ? I can imagine it was quite an interesting first encounter lmao
> 
> Have you written about Logans uni friends meeting the Wickhills Gang? Sorry if you have but if not I’d love to hear that story!! -💎
> 
> Logan’s college friends meeting his partners somehow? (They’ve only been there twice but somehow I crave m o r e.) - ☁️
> 
> plus inspired by all the fun andy-and-teagan asks i answered over on tumblr
> 
> the fic starts the February of Logan's Freshman year of College. so just-shy-of-two-years after the main storyline
> 
> A round of applause to [@trivia-goddess](trivia-goddess.tumblr.com) for betaing, because HOO this one is long

Teagan understood that Logan was a practical person. It was one of the things that made their friendship work so well – that Andy, Logan, and them were all disasters, but in different areas, so they could compensate.

But _so help them_ if the guy didn’t stop complaining about Valentine’s day, Teagan was going to kill him.

_Andy_ wasn’t even as bad, and he was literally aro – Logan, as the only one of them with a romantic partner (and he had _three_), was definitely the _least_ justified in complaining.

(Which brought up a whole _host_ of anxieties about whether or not this queerplatonic thing _did_ mean Teagan was supposed to do something for Valentine’s for Andy and if they were already messing this up, but it was much easier to focus on Logan’s bitching instead.)

“It’s performative and over-commercialized,” said Logan, just as Teagan tuned back in and yep, he was still going.

“Not to mention the blatant heteronormativity that is near-omnipresent in every advertisement, television special, and overplayed hallmark movie for the entire _month_ leading up to the actual event-”

Andy looked like he was trying not to laugh, rolling his eyes in Teagan’s direction. Teagan bit their cheek to keep from snickering; Logan didn’t seem to notice.

“-and being _accosted_ by every restaurant menu with nauseating couples dessert specials-”

“Is he stopping to breathe?” said Teagan quietly.

“Logan doesn’t need to breathe, remember?”

“Oh my god, you and your cryptid-Logan agenda,” Teagan muttered.

“-if I have to see one more-”

A short jingle cut him off, and Logan grabbed for his phone so quickly Teagan could have sworn they heard the air whistle as he moved. That was a boyfriend jingle, though Teagan couldn’t remember which one.

Logan frowned at his phone.

“Everything okay?” said Andy.

“Uh- yes,” said Logan, rapidly turning pink. “I- Roman, he- I believe he’s sent me some kind of… Valentine’s. Gift,”

Andy started cackling.

“Probably another of those absurd singing telegrams,” said Logan, rising from his desk to put his shoes on. His smitten tone and expression didn’t match up with the words at all.

“Oh, this I _have_ to see,”

“What the hell is a singing telegram?” snickered Andy.

“The high school choir in Wickhills did them for Christmas and Valentine’s and Mother’s Day,” said Logan, leading them out of the dorm. “He got me one last year, and he sent it during _class_,”

“Wait,” said Teagan, “It’s a hometown thing? How would he have sent you one here?”

Logan frowned.

“I… I suppose I don’t know,” he said. They’d reached the ground floor, making their way to the front entrance.

“I suppose it may be flowers,” Logan said faintly, “I don’t know why else he would tell me to go out front,”

Wow. _Wow._

Logan was great, but sometimes? Sometimes he was _astonishingly _dense.

Andy was pinching the bridge of his nose, shaking his head. Teagan moved forward under the pretense of opening the door, because Logan’s face was probably going to be downright spectacular and they _really_ wanted to see it properly.

They barely glanced at the blue truck idling in front, or the guy in the brown bomber jacket leaning against it. They were rewarded with seeing the _exact_ moment Logan saw him, and it was, frankly, nauseatingly adorable.

He made some kind of stunned, delighted noise Teagan had never quite heard a person make before, his face splitting into a grin, and then he took off at a dead sprint, laughing the whole way.

Teagan was kind of expecting the collision, but what they hadn’t expected was for boyfriend – Roman, right, he’d said this one was Roman – to grab Logan under his thighs and lift him straight up off the ground.

Teagan looked over at Andy, who was shaking his head at the two of them with an amused expression.

“How long do you think it’s gonna take him to remember we’re standing over here?”

“Five minutes, minimum, judging by his expression,” said Teagan dryly.

They weren’t even kissing, which was good because that would be _super_ awkward. Logan had locked his arms around Roman’s neck and pressed their foreheads together, absolutely beaming. They were speaking in low voices Teagan couldn’t quite make out.

“Ten bucks says ten minutes,” said Andy.

“Deal,”

They shook, and Andy glanced down at the time on his watch.

Teagan won, but only barely – it took eight minutes for Logan to remember they were over there, at which point he glanced back, turned bright red, and immediately tried to climb down from his tree of a boyfriend.

He fixed his shirt, waving them over.

“Welcome back from the tunnel-vision of love,” said Andy.

“Oh, shut up,” said Logan.

He gestured back at his boyfriend, who took the hand and kissed the back of his palm, and _that _was just a little ridiculous.

“Andy, Teagan, this is my Roman- er-”

He sighed, his ears flushing even more red.

“This is my _boyfriend,_ Roman,”

“’Your Roman’ works too, babe,” said Roman, kissing Logan on the cheek. “Hi,”

He held out his free hand and Teagan shook it.

“You’re Teagan?”

“Yeah,” they nodded.

“So that makes you Andy,”

“What gave it away?” Andy replied, taking the offered hand.

“I’m just a genius, of course,” said Roman, grinning, “Must be, anyway, to be dating this nerd,”

“Roman,” said Logan, clearly embarrassed.

“What, I come surprise you for Valentine’s and you think I’m _not_ going to compliment you for three days without pause?”

“_Roman,”_

“Are you amending your stance on hatred of all things Valentine’s, then?” said Teagan.

It got very quiet, and Teagan realized belatedly that they maybe should not have said that in front of Logan’s boyfriend.

Shit.

Roman gave Logan an incredulous look.

“You _love_ Valentine’s day,” he said. He didn’t sound like there was a doubt in his mind, which meant Logan was either a very good liar or Teagan had missed something.

Logan cleared his throat.

“I have been… perhaps, slightly vocal about my upset over this- particular Valentine’s day,”

Teagan processed that, and then burst out laughing.

“Teagan, shut _up_,” Logan hissed.

“Are you telling me,” they said, “That you have been _constantly_ bitching about Valentine’s day for _weeks_ because you _missed your boyfriends?_”

“Andy, I request assistance,”

“Fuck, no,” said Andy, smirking, “I had to listen to it too, you’re lucky Tee’s just _laughing._ I’m seriously considering shaking you like a Polaroid,”

“You’re not supposed to shake them,” Logan muttered.

“Babe,” said Roman softly, “You’ve been that upset?”

“It isn’t important, I was being irrational-” Logan insisted.

“The _hell_ it’s not important, Logan. If I’d known you were upset this would _not_ have been a surprise,”

He cupped Logan’s face – like Andy and Teagan weren’t even _there_, Jesus, were they _always like this? -_ and kissed him on the forehead, and then on both cheeks.

“Of course we wouldn’t let you spend Valentine’s alone, Specs,” he said softly

Okay, so, apparently that thing in books where people stare into each others eyes was real. Good to know.

They spent the rest of the afternoon practically glued together. Teagan and Andy tried to bail but Logan insisted it was fine for them to come, and he- well, he was nearly _vibrating_ with joy the whole time. He dragged Roman around to his favorite places and told stories about the three of them at each one, occasionally turning his bright, happy eyes on the two of them to get them to join in.

And after that initial blip, Roman and Logan weren’t _too_ bad on the tunnel-vision, aside from their complete lack of a concept of personal space between each other, so it worked out fine.

Roman had been up since early morning driving, so around five he started to look pretty dead on his feet. Teagan had thought Logan was a mother hen with _them_ – it looked like they hadn’t even seen a fraction of his hovering capabilities.

“It was nice to meet you,” said Andy, all of them standing in front of Logan’s dorm room as the sun started setting.

“You too,” said Roman, “Sorry for cutting it short; I am not feeling like my fabulous self,”

“You drove until midnight and then woke up at six AM, of course you don’t feel well,” grumbled Logan, briefly running the back of his fingers across Roman’s forehead like he was checking for a fever.

Roman just smiled at him and tried to kiss his hand. Huffing, Logan swatted at his chest.

“Are you coming to breakfast in the morning?” said Andy.

Logan gave him a confused look.

“Why wouldn’t I?”

Andy just shrugged, and he didn’t elaborate.

At least until they finished up their goodbyes, and Logan disappeared into his building. As soon as they started back towards their own dorm, he spoke.

“Ten bucks says he’s late to breakfast,”

“What are you talking about, it’s _Logan._ He’s never late to anything,”

Andy stared at Teagan like he thought they were being ridiculous.

“He hasn’t seen his boyfriend in more than a month,” he said flatly.

Teagan stared back, and then it clicked, and they outright gagged.

“Oh, god, _no_. I can never get that image out of my head, _why_ would you make me think about Logan having sex?”

“Ten bucks,”

“I’m _not _participating in this,”

It wouldn’t have mattered if they had, because Logan was not, in fact, late to breakfast that morning.

But he did have a pretty spectacular smattering of bruises all over his neck and a blush so fierce it could have melted blacktop, so Teagan _still_ had to put up with Andy’s smug looks the whole time.

—

The following year, Logan’s boyfriends must have thought they couldn’t pull off the same surprise twice, because Andy knew Patton was coming for weeks before the weekend of Valentine’s actually happened.

Specifically, he knew – and could not fucking possibly have forgotten – because Logan had not shut up about it since the semester _started_, when he’d only been back from his hometown for like, a week maximum.

Logan had turned down his and Teagan’s offer of sharing a triple this year – Teagan had written down his cagey, rambling explanation as to why on a notepad while Logan wasn’t paying attention and they _still_ hadn’t quite figured out what the hell he’d actually said – but they _were_ all in the same building.

Logan was late (Andy gave Tee a smug look and they stuck their tongue out at him) and when he came down to the ground floor with the man of the hour in tow, Andy’s first thought was that the guy looked exactly like and also nothing like any of the photos he’d seen.

Oh, it was definitely the right _face_. Short guy, sorta cherubic, and curly gold hair and kind of startling eyes – why did Logan and all of his boyfriends have such weirdly colored eyes? Suspicious! - and the outfit Andy was pretty sure he’d seen exactly, a pair of faded jeans and a powder blue sweater.

The expression, though – well, Logan’s visitor did not seem nearly as smiley as Andy had predicted.

“Andy, Teagan, this is Patton,” said Logan, oddly quiet.

Patton waved, mumbling something that might have been “nice to meet you” but also could have been “shut the fuck up.”

And he was all mumbles, at least until they got to the dining hall and he made a beeline for the coffee station like he was magnetized.

Logan watched him go with an expression that was downright soppy.

“He seems… quiet,” said Teagan warily.

Something strange flashed across Logan’s expression for a moment, but when Andy actually turned to look there was nothing but adoration.

“He is not fond of mornings,” said Logan, “The coffee will help, and then he will probably apologize for ten minutes about being ‘short’ with you,”

He was wrong – by the time he was on his third cup of coffee, Patton had been apologizing for _at least_ fifteen minutes. And now he did resemble the guy in the photos – grinning from ear to ear and as bubbly as champagne.

Patton also seemed to regard his and Logan’s plates as communal property. He swiped bits of bacon and bites of omelet from Logan’s, and insistently held out forkfuls of blueberry pancakes off of his own in turn. Logan rolled his eyes, but he never refused.

“So, what do y’all usually do on Saturdays?” said Patton.

“Mostly we just study in increasingly weird places,” said Teagan.

“Weird how?” he laughed.

“I don’t _know_,” Logan huffed.

“Your boyfriend’s totally unflappable,” said Teagan, “Me and Andy try to find the weirdest, most off the wall places we can to try and get a rise out of him,”

“_Nothing_,” sulked Andy.

“Absolutely nothing,” Tee agreed, “No reaction whatsoever,”

“None of the places you’ve taken me have been particularly bizarre,” Logan insisted.

“Creole-Chinese fusion?” said Andy.

“I enjoy both of those things,” said Logan, “It is efficient to combine them,”

“That’s _weird_,”

“They also think lettuce and onions is weird,” said Logan, turning to Patton, “They have no idea what they are talking about,”

Patton gave them a strange look.

“It’s just… lettuce and onions?” he said.

“That he puts _hot bacon grease_ on,” said Tee, horrified, “You’re telling me _you_ eat that, too?”

“It’s just a salad!” said Patton.

“_Nothing with bacon grease in it is a salad,”_

“You see what I deal with?” said Logan fondly.

“Aw, poor sweetie,” said Patton soothingly, except Andy was pretty damn sure it was just to give himself an excuse to kiss Logan, and not actual sympathy.

They did not end up going to the next place on the weird restaurants list. Instead they just picked the first café that came up in Google Maps, a sort of hipster place with overpriced-but-not-obnoxiously-so coffee and a bunch of squishy arm chairs and coffee tables instead of proper seating.

“This place kinda reminds me of Salvage Garden,” said Patton as he parked himself in Logan’s lap instead of one of the three open chairs available in the circle.

Logan didn’t seem like he thought this was weird, so Andy decided not to react except to cast Tee an eye roll and a wrinkled nose. They snorted, but the love-birds didn’t notice.

Obviously this meant that Logan wasn’t getting a lot of actual studying done. He had a notebook on the arm of his chair, and he was definitely writing something, but when Andy glanced over it looked suspiciously like bubble hearts, so he doubted it was very academic.

They’d been there not quite half an hour when there was a short sort of huff, and when Andy looked up he just about called bullshit because no way was someone that cute in real life.

Patton had fallen asleep, with his head tucked into Logan’s neck and his fists curled up against their chests. Logan’s notebook lay abandoned, and he’d instead wrapped his arms more firmly around Patton and set his head on his boyfriend’s curls, a small, content smile on his face.

“If you fall asleep in this coffee shop I will leave you both here to deal with the bill,” Andy threatened.

“I will not fall asleep,” said Logan, his eyes closed.

“You look suspiciously close to falling asleep,”

“I assure you,” said Logan dryly, “That I am not going to sleep through any more of Patton’s presence than is absolutely necessary for me to function. I missed him very much,”

“Do you and your boyfriends practice those?” Teagan teased, “Your romance novel lines, I mean. Do you have like a notebook of them somewhere? Try them out in the mirror before they come visit?”

“Must you mock me?”

“I absolutely must,” said Tee, “I’ll die if I don’t. What’s that Pokémon that dies if it stops moving? I’ll die if I stop roasting Logan,”

“The Pokémon you are describing is Spoink and also you are being obnoxious,” said Logan.

“Hmm?”

Patton’s brow was furrowed. Andy couldn’t tell if he was actually awake, but he’d lifted his head some.

“Hush, starlight,” said Logan quietly, “Go back to sleep,”

“Hmm, kisses,” Patton muttered, sitting up a little more.

Logan pecked him on the mouth, and then Patton settled back down with a happy sigh.

“Alright, Logan’s boyfriends are officially on the ‘Reasons Logan Is A Cryptid’ list,” said Andy when he and Tee got up to get coffee refills for the four (well, three and a half) of them.

“What?” said Teagan, “You want to put ‘has three boyfriends’ on the cryptid list next to ‘can go like two weeks without eating’ and pointed fucking ears?”

“You remember Roman had those freaky green eyes!” said Andy, “And Patton’s are straight up yellow,”

“They’re _hazel_,” said Teagan, “It’s not that weird,”

“But combined with the fact that Logan’s are silver?” said Andy.

“I refuse to add ‘slightly weird eye colors’ to the list,” said Teagan, “All the plant things, the ears, the weird eating habits and the not-eating habits, sure, but now you’re just being paranoid,”

“I’m just saying maybe they’re _all_ cryptids!” said Andy, “We’ve seen what? Four pictures of mysterious boyfriend number three?”

“He’s probably just camera shy!” said Teagan, “_You’re_ camera shy!”

“_But I’m not a cryptid!”_

In the end, they did not end up adding eye colors to the list.

But when Logan came back from the summer break between sophomore and junior year fucking _married_, they did end up adding ‘cryptid husbands.’

Andy was probably a little more smug than was polite.

—

“Look,” said Roman, waving his forkful of loaded french fries around, “A few years ago? Yeah, you should totally be petrified. But it’s like… a solid 75% chill now, it’ll be fine,”

“_Roman,”_ Logan hissed.

“What, I said it’ll be fine!” insisted Roman, “What, do you think any red-cap in the whole forest is stupid enough to come at someone you brought with you when you can fucking mulch them? Not even mentioning _Virgil_,”

“What’s a red-cap?” said Andy.

The waitress in this diner had been giving them increasingly freaked out looks the longer this conversation went on. Teagan and Logan had long since given up on trying to shut Andy and Roman up, and Teagan was just grateful they were in the middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvania and would probably never come back to this diner again.

But Teagan guessed that was the price they were gonna pay for agreeing to spend the first week of winter break in Wickhills.

Teagan knew that particular fae from their own research, and they immediately started making cutting motions at Roman. Roman either didn’t notice or he didn’t care.

“It’s a kind of goblin,”said Roman, popping a fry in his mouth.

“I hate the little bastards,” he said after he swallowed, “They carry these metal pikes, but they’re astonishingly strong for being three feet tall, so they usually just chuck rocks at your head until they knock you unconscious and then-”

He yelped, and Logan didn’t seem to have moved from Teagan’s perspective but Roman gave him a betrayed look.

“We’re going to die,” said Andy.

“You are being melodramatic,” said Logan.

“Can’t hear you over the sound of how _fucking dead we’re gonna be_,”

Logan actually scowled across the table.

“Do you honestly think-” he said acidly, “-that I would bring you to Wickhills if I was not _entirely_ certain of my ability to keep you alive?”

He didn’t wait for an answer, just turning back to his scrambled eggs and stabbing them angrily.

“… Sorry,” said Andy quietly. Teagan reached over and squeezed his knee.

“I’m just, uh, nervous,” he continued.

Logan sighed.

“I apologize for snapping at you,” he said, “Your anxiety is understandable and there is no reason for me to be taking it personally,”

Andy did cool it the rest of the drive on the catastrophizing, though he also got increasingly twitchy the closer they got to Ohio.

“How long?” Teagan asked as they neared the border.

Roman shrugged from the driver’s seat.

“At this point it’s a tossup,” said Roman, “From Wheeling, could be the next exit, could be another three hours,”

“What?” said Teagan, “That doesn’t make sense,”

“We live in an enchanted forest, what did you expect?”

“But how do you know where to _turn_?” said Andy incredulously.

Roman shrugged again.

“Just do,” he said, “Not really sure, to be honest,”

Logan was pinching the bridge of his nose. Teagan could relate.

It was about forty-five minutes later when Roman let out a victorious noise and Logan perked up in his seat. Teagan glanced out the window, but it just looked like the same barren, woodsy hills they’d been driving through since West Virginia, dotted here and there with the occasional evergreen.

For about a minute, it stayed that way – and then suddenly Teagan got the distinct and _super_ unsettling feeling of being _watched._

Andy’s hand lurched across the back seat, grabbing at Teagan’s.

So, not just them, then.

The treeline broke all at once, revealing what must be Main Street, lined on either side with old, muddy snow and nearly identical brown buildings. Roman took a few short turns, and the businesses became houses, and then he was pulling into the drive of a yellow one with white shutters and a tin roof.

Logan must have texted everyone they were nearly there, because as they all climbed out the front door opened. Patton, in a puffy coat that made him look like a pale blue marshmallow, came barreling down the steps and launched himself at Logan.

Logan caught him easily, spinning him a little. Patton waved at Teagan and Andy over his shoulder, beaming.

“Hey, Andy, Hi, Tee!”

“Hey, Patton,” said Andy, looking around them warily as he pulled something out of his bag.

Thomas and a middle-aged couple that must be their parents were next out the door, helping the four of them pull out the bags from the car.

“Where’s-”

“Andy, what do you have?” said Patton suddenly, cutting across Logan’s question.

“It’s a, um. Water gun,” said Andy.

Teagan came around the car with their own bag in hand, and Andy did in fact have a large Nerf blaster in his hand.

“Why do you have a water gun in December?” laughed Thomas.

“It’s. Um,”

Teagan suddenly had a very bad feeling.

“Andy,” said Roman warily, “What’s in the water gun?”

“Just- just saltwater, and uh, daisy petals,”

“You brought a _weapon?”_ hissed Logan.

“Put it away,” said Dot firmly, “That’s _very_ rude, and-”

Several things happened, so fast that it almost seemed like they happened all at once.

The shadow of the car twisted, startling Teagan – who was pretty sure shadows were _not_ supposed to move like that, thanks so much – so they had plastered themself right up against Andy’s side. Andy, panicked, lifted the water gun and made a noise that might have been a war cry or a surrender.

And then they were both standing across from the most unsettlingly pale and _freakishly_ tall guy Teagan had ever seen, who was wearing an oddly mundane-looking black and purple hoodie and a confused frown. This could only be the final cryptid husband, AKA Virgil, AKA some kind of Fair Folk royalty, and Andy had a water gun pointed at his chest.

Virgil glanced down at it.

“Are you threatening me?” he asked. He sounded more amused than anything.

Andy just gaped.

Virgil glanced over at Logan, and then he rolled his eyes a little.

He pushed the water gun to the side before offering his hand.

“You can call me V. Don’t point weapons at me again,”

“Right, can do,” said Andy, dropping his arm to his side and holding out his free hand. They shook, and then Virgil offered his hand to Teagan, who took it and tried not to feel like they were shaking hands with a fucking hurricane.

After that perfunctory greeting, Virgil pretty much ignored them for the next twenty minutes, and Teagan had to admit he was a lot less absolutely petrifying that way. His focus seemed to be totally taken up by touching Logan – his face, his arms, his hair – as they got all the stuff taken inside.

They were all scattered around the living room now, Logan and his husbands somehow crammed into only half the couch. Andy was on the end furthest from them, and Teagan was fervently thanking the universe that it was Roman next to them and not Mr. Spooky.

Patton suddenly yelped, nearly jumping off of Roman, and then let out a sigh.

“_Pinkie_, don’t sneak _up _on me, honey,”

“Uh, who are you talking to?” said Teagan.

Patton winced, but it was Virgil who answered, leaning across and plucking something pink and shiny off Patton’s arm before holding it out.

“One of my sisters,” he said, “Say hello,”

_To who?_ Teagan thought.

And then they realized Virgil wasn’t talking to them when the _spider in his hand_ waved at them.

“‘One of?’” Andy repeated, strangled.

Virgil nodded, and that sealed it. It was going to be a very, _very_ long week.

—

Andy knocked on the door of Logan’s house, and there was the sound of fumbling behind it. When Virgil threw open the door, there was a distinctly panicked expression on his face.

“You’re too early,” he said immediately.

“‘Hey Andy, Tee, been a while, nice to see you,’” Andy deadpanned, “‘Wow, thanks for getting here so fast since we specifically told you to come as soon as possible,’”

“Did you _double the fucking speed limit?”_ Virgil demanded.

“You _said_ as soon as possible!”

Virgil huffed.

“Well, where’s everybody?” said Andy.

“That’s why you’re _too early_,” said Virgil, “Roman’s still at the school and Patton’s at the bakery. They’re not gonna be home for another hour,”

“Well, where’s Logan?” said Teagan.

“In the garden-”

Virgil didn’t have a chance to finish his sentence, because Logan was _not_ in the garden.

Where Logan _was_, was coming barreling around the corner of the house, chasing what looked like a small, hysterically laughing child.

Logan was laughing too, and kept it up as he caught the kid, lifting her off her feet and scrabbling his hand at her ribs. She shrieked, and Logan pressed a loud _smack _of a kiss to her temple.

They were both still half laughing, at least until Logan caught sight of Andy and Tee on the porch and the smile dropped.

“Hi, there!” said the kid, “Are you salamanders?”

Andy blinked.

“Uh, what?” said Teagan, a little dumbfounded.

“You know, salamanders,” she said, “They, um, they come to the door, an’ they try to sell people, um, vacuums,”

“… Are you asking if we’re _solicitors?”_ said Teagan.

The child frowned.

“No,”

She looked up at Logan, who still hadn’t moved.

“Papa, I don’t think these salamanders are very smart,”

Behind them, Virgil snorted.

“Linny, that isn’t polite,” said Logan gently, “These are the friends that I was telling you about,”

The kid (Linny? Weird name) frowned at them again.

“You’re too early,” she said.

Virgil outright started cackling behind them. Logan sighed.

He walked up onto the porch, and once she was closer it was pretty easy to tell Linny wasn’t human. Her ears were pointed like her… dad’s. Dads’? Whose kid _was_ she? How did that even happen?

And when she held out her little toddler hand for a handshake, each of her fingers were tipped with tiny black claws.

“It’s nice to meet you even though you’re too early,” she said as she shook Andy’s hand, “Also, why is your hair blue, Mixter?”

“I dye it that color,” said Tee, “It’s my favorite,”

“My favorite color’s, um, orange because it’s the best color,” she said, “Like pum’kins and the sun goin’ down,”

Tee snorted.

“Orange is very nice color,” they agreed.

“The _best_ one,” said Linny insistently.

“Why _are_ you so early?” asked Logan, “I wasn’t expecting you until at least seven or eight,”

“You said it was an emergency!” Andy insisted.

“I said it was _important,” _said Logan, frowning. “I hope you did not violate any laws or endanger yourselves getting here,”

“Are we tryna heat the whole great outdoors?” called May from inside the house, “Close the damn door,”

“Mamaw, that’s a bad word!”

“And when yer eighty-two ya can say all the bad words you please, Miss Kitty,”

They followed Virgil back in the house, and May wheeled in from the kitchen, looking surprised.

“Ah,” she said, “Y’all want tea?”

“Because I will get you tea,” said Logan pointedly, “And May will come into the living room to converse and not attempt to carry a tea pitcher in her wheelchair again,”

May huffed, but she didn’t argue. Logan passed Linny to Virgil and disappeared into the kitchen.

They sat, Linny pulling the strings of Virgil’s hoodie back and forth. He seemed unconcerned, and started up a round of inane small talk that Andy definitely participated in but also didn’t actually hear.

Logan returned with the tea and glasses, and then sat on the arm of Virgil’s chair and ran his fingers through the little girls curly hair.

“So,” said Teagan, “Is anybody gonna tell us where you got a baby, or-?”

“The explanation requires a significant amount of background information the four of us have agreed we are slightly uncomfortable with sharing,” said Logan, “However, put simply, Linda is our daughter – mine, Virgil’s, Roman’s and Patton’s – born in a similar way to Virgil,”

“I can tell,” said Teagan flatly.

Andy hadn’t been entirely sure, but he got what Tee was saying. She was a bubbly kid, for all she was subtle as a blunt ax – somehow, that did seem like what would happen if you averaged those four.

“And how old are you, Linda?” Andy asked.

She perked up at the address.

“Two weeks and three days!” she said brightly, “And, um, about eight hours, I think,”

“You don’t have to tell them the hours, _liebling_,” said Virgil fondly.

“Did she grow that much?” said Teagan incredulously.

Linda shook her head, except it was really more like shaking her whole upper body.

“No, I came this size,” said Linda.

She’d started making grabbing motions with her hands, and when Virgil noticed he leaned over the side of his chair and handed her a blanket from the basket at his feet. Linda immediately started kneading it, and there was an occasional little _rip_ that let Andy know those nails were exactly as sharp as they looked.

By the time Roman and Patton got home about a half an hour later, Andy had learned all sorts of important information about Linda.

Or rather, information Linda thought was important, which included but was not limited to; her favorite food (hot dogs), her favorite drink (lemonade), how long her hair was (eleven inches straightened out but only seven curled up) and how many times she’d broken a nail in her short life, which was twice.

She was excitedly pointing at the shortest of her nails and telling the story of how she’d done so, when she suddenly cut off in the middle of her sentence, scrambled down off of Virgil’s lap, and bolted for the front door.

The door opened, and she started – sort of trilling, jumping in place a little as Roman immediately kneeled down and blew a raspberry on her neck.

“Hello, princess, how did your day go?”

“I met Papa’s friends who are _not_ salamanders,” she said. Or something to that effect – she hadn’t really stopped making that odd little noise.

Patton came through the door behind Roman and then -

Well, Andy wasn’t… _totally_ sure what happened, just then, except it seemed to involve Linda using Roman’s shoulder as a springboard to jump into Patton’s arms.

“Oh, good, she bounces,” said Teagan faintly.

“She is also very fast,” said Logan, smiling at Linda and his two human husbands in the doorway, “As well as disinclined to heed warnings of danger, or most instructions of any kind, for that matter,”

“Most people would sound more worried about those things,” said Andy.

Logan’s smile didn’t budge.

“Oh, I am quite anxious about the matter,” he said, “But she is also perfect, so I hardly have anything to complain about,”

Linda prodded Roman and Patton over to the couches, eagerly informing them of what they’d been talking about – which about two sentences in Andy realized was just going to consist of Linda enthusiastically repeating the past half-hour’s worth of conversation near-verbatim.

None of her fathers seemed like they were going to stop her, and honestly?

She kept talking, and Andy remembered a freshman who’d gone off on a tangent about the proper soil pH for roses, and then cut himself off, embarrassed and sure he was boring Andy to death.

Andy had told him to talk all he wanted; if these four managed to raise a kid who never stopped herself in the first place, Andy would count that win.

Teagan must have thought something similar, because they folded their hands in their lap and leaned back on the couch to listen.

Linda waved animatedly with her little claw-tipped fingers, and Andy figured he was already friends with so many cryptids anyway – why wouldn’t he add one more?

**Author's Note:**

> i'm not taking prompts rn, but feel free to send me an ask [over on tumblr!](tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors.tumblr.com)


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